Shortly after my twentieth birthday, I entered into my first serious relationship. Marriage was already on my radar and this guy (we’ll call him Bryan) definitely sparked my interest.
My family really liked him and he seemed like a great fit!
Things progressed quickly and it felt like I was “falling in love” with him.
Before I knew it I began feeling subtle pressure from Bryan to speed up the “courtship” and quickly get engaged. I wanted to get engaged to him…but there was still a small part of me that wasn’t 100% on board.
I just needed a little more time.
Little did I know that I would not be walking down the aisle at the end of the year, but instead walking through the hardest breakup of my life.
Over the next few weeks the pressure only increased.
Bryan was really pushing me towards engagement. He seemed impatient and frustrated at my hesitation.
Slowly but surely his squeaky clean character started getting muddy. He wasn’t as kind as he had been early on and I noticed more instances of subtle manipulation.
His spoken desire for purity seemed to be waning and he lost an interest in having spiritual conversations.
My parents were quietly starting to wonder about this guy, and deep in my heart, I was too.
Then one night everything came crashing down.
Bryan’s character and words were becoming more and more inconsistent and it could no longer be ignored. Bryan was planning on proposing to me the following weekend, but something needed to be said.
After an intense conversation with my dad and mom, my eyes were opened to the reality of the relationship.
Bryan wasn’t the type of guy I truly wanted to marry. He wasn’t the type of guy I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He wasn’t the type of guy I truly wanted raising our future children.
In an instant, my entire world came crashing down.
Deep in my heart, I knew it was over. My dreams of wearing an engagement ring came crashing down.
My dreams of walking down the aisle came crashing down. My dreams of going on a honeymoon came crashing down. My dreams of marrying my “true love” came crashing down.
My entire world was thrown upside down and I had no idea what to do.
I cried the entire night and could barely pull myself out of bed the next morning. The next few weeks would prove to be some of the hardest weeks of my life (at that point).
Breakups are really hard. Losing a relationship is really hard. Saying goodbye to marriage is really hard.
If you’re reading this post right now and have experienced something similar, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You know the pain. You’ve experienced the heartache.
So how should we, as Christian women, handle tough breakups? How do we survive the pain and loss of losing a relationship?
First, I encourage you to grab my latest book which takes a deep dive on dealing with heartbreak. Grab a copy of, Not Part of the Plan: Trusting God with the Twists and Turns of Your Story.
Second, I want to take you inside my breakup and show you what I did to survive the pain.
Although I didn’t handle everything perfectly, my parents and wise mentors equipped me with wisdom and guidance to make it to the other side.
Here are the 5 steps I took to handle the hardest breakup of my life:
Breakups can be excruciatingly hard, and it’s okay to mourn the loss.
Even though I had come to the realization that I didn’t want to marry Bryan anymore, it was still hard to say goodbye to the relationship.
My mom and sisters were there to hug me and give me wisdom through my tears.
Instead of isolating yourself, intentionally surround yourself with wise family members and friends who will comfort you during your sadness, and gently point you back to God’s truth. (Proverbs 11:14).
"Without guidance, a people will fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance." - Proverbs 11:14 CSB
Learn more about how to seek comfort from God during a breakup as you let God heal your broken heart.
God sees our pain and tears. He is the God of comfort and the God of truth (Psalm 56:8).
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." - Psalm 56:8 NLT
After my breakup, I cried out to God in prayer on a regular basis. In fact, sometimes all I could do was cry and pray.
Thankfully, God met me right where I was! He ministered to my broken heart during my times of prayer.
If you’re in a hard breakup, don’t turn to entertainment or distractions to numb your pain. Run to the living God in prayer and He will meet you right where you’re at.
Pray these prayers for a broken heart when you are feeling heartbreak from a breakup.
When my breakup happened, it was devastating. I couldn’t imagine moving on or ever feeling normal again!
In those moments of pain I remember wrestling with God and questioning why this was happening to me. Thankfully, I never fell into total despair due to this one simple, yet profound truth: God is bigger.
I knew God was bigger than my pain and that He was in control over all the circumstances of my life.
I trusted God. I put my hope in God’s bigger plan, and that brought me so much comfort (Proverbs 3:5-6).
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT
Not only was God bigger than my pain, he had a plan for my life. And I knew that God’s plan was good.
Although the pain was hard to overcome, I knew God had a better plan for my future and I trusted Him.
If God was closing this door in my life, I knew it was for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory.
Now (12 years later), I can see clearly why God closed that door. He had a much, much, much, better plan for my future – and that included marrying my amazing husband Zack.
One of the things that made the biggest difference in helping me “move on” from my relationship with Bryan was a very practical exercise. Writing a “reality” list.
Here’s what I mean: When the breakup immediately happens it’s easy to see the issues.
However, over time it can be easy to look at that guy with rosy glasses. We begin to minimize the issues and magnify the good stuff. Then, we’re tempted to jump right back in again.
To help me remember the reality of why I didn’t want to marry Bryan, I wrote down a detailed list of all of our “issues.” Character issues, relationship issues, manipulation issues, compatibility issues, spiritual issues, etc.
This “reality list” helped me remember the truth during the lonely days following the breakup.
This exercise alone proved to be so valuable in helping me move on without second guessing myself.
This is all much easier said than done.
And if you need more truths to declare when you feel lonely, check out these prayers for loneliness.
Breakups are hard (really hard), but there’s hope on the other side. If we handle our pain in a God-honoring, Christ-focused way, we will not only survive, we will thrive.
In fact, I take a deep dive on handling a broken heart in my new book, Not Part of the Plan: Trusting God with the Twists and Turns of Your Story. This will be a huge comfort to you as you strive to trust God with your own “not part of the plan” moments.
Written By: Kristen Clark
Kristen Clark is married to her best friend, Zack, and is the newly adoptive mom to two precious boys from Ukraine.
She is co-founder of Girl Defined Ministries, author of several books, including Not Part of the Plan: Trusting God with the Twists and Turns of Your Story, and is passionate about promoting the message of God-defined womanhood through blogging, speaking, mentoring young women, and hosting Bible studies in her living room.
In the end, she’s just a fun-lovin’ Texas girl who adores all things outdoors and is an unashamed dog-lover who snuggles with her little maltipoo whenever she can.
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